Natural Selection
by Merula
Summary: Duo explains his theory of natural selection. Relena Bashing, AU, OOC .
1. Science class

Standard disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not ours. Warning: Relena Bashing (We just can't STAND her.) The theory of natural selection that Duo is arguing is taken from a terrifically awesome episode of MST 3000, Attack of the Giant Leeches. It seemed like something he would watch.  
  
The teacher looked out over her class with a sigh. There sure were a lot of new transfer students in here now. And of course, they all ended up in her science class. Sheesh. Oddly enough, they all grouped themselves together too. She could see Miss Peacecraft wanting to sit with Miss Catalonia, they were aristocrats after all. Both of them were pretty girls, it shouldn't be too odd that the new boys wanted to sit near them. But still- it just seemed a bit funny to her. They all got along well for students who had supposedly never met. She shrugged and went through her notes one more time.  
  
Wufei leaned back in his seat and Dorothy poked him with her pencil. He turned around and snarled at her. She simply smiled sweetly back. Heero, sitting next to Wufei, was doing his best to ignore the longing glances of the Princess of Pink behind him. He was leaning over Quatre's shoulder, as the blonde pilot was sitting directly in front of him, and talking quietly to him and Trowa.  
  
Duo sauntered in seconds before the bell rang. With an evil grin, he took the seat on the other side of Relena, which she had originally saved for Heero, rather than the one on the other side of Wufei. Relena raised a disapproving eyebrow at him, but he merely smiled at her and winked at Dorothy over Relena's head. Dorothy gave him a sweet smile in return. Heero looked at Duo and then pointedly at the clock. Duo just smiled a bit wider.  
  
The bell rang and the teacher indicated that they needed to get their notebooks out.  
  
"Today class, we are going to talk about natural selection. Can anyone give us a brief description of natural selection?" Several hands went up, including, to the surprise of his friends and allies, Duo's. The teacher also looked faintly surprised. "Mr. Maxwell? You have a definition for us?"  
  
"Yes ma'am. Natural selection is basically this- If you're dumb, you die."  
  
Relena gave him a horrified glance and Dorothy hid a giggle. Wufei turned around and raised an eyebrow, Heero shook his head and Quatre and Trowa grinned.  
  
"If you're dumb, you die," the teacher repeated flatly. She didn't want to discourage Mr. Maxwell, who so far had not ever volunteered an answer before. "Well, I guess that is one way to put it. Can you give me an example?"  
  
"Sure," Duo grinned evilly. "Let's say that a gundam is attacking a city- not that I've ever seen a gundam, mind you, but let's say one is. The people who are smart run away from where the gundam is attacking- they survive. The people who are dumb run to where the gundam is- they're dumb and they die. Natural selection." Relena turned a bright pink to match her jacket. The teacher frowned lightly.  
  
"Mr. Maxwell, I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to run into a battle with a gundam- unless they were in a mobile suit too. Is that what you meant?"  
"Oh no- I mean someone who isn't in a mobile suit. Just running on the ground," Duo persisted, ignoring the rapidly reddening girl next to him. "I'm talking REALLY dumb, here."  
  
"That's more incredibly stupid," Dorothy stage whispered to him, "than really dumb." Duo nodded agreeably at her. Relena slouched down a bit in her seat.  
  
"Well, that is a colorful example Mr. Maxwell, but I don't think anyone would be stupid enough to do something like that." Relena slid a bit further.  
  
"Maybe they would," Dorothy piped up, a wicked gleam in her eyes. "If they really wanted to see a gundam up close. If they were obsessed by it- or one of the pilots, for example." Relena put her head down on her desk. "I mean they are supposed to be really superior machines- and men." She winked flirtatiously at Duo.  
  
"You have a point, Miss Catalonia," Duo said with a charming smile. "In that case we could say that the hormones are responsible for the dumb behavior. But even then, isn't that still natural selection? If your hormones lead you into dangerous situations?"  
  
"It just proves the dumbness," Dorothy agreed.  
  
Wufei was smirking. Heero had turned around to watch Duo with an I- can't-believe-you're-doing-this expression. Quatre was scribbling furiously in his notebook as Trowa smiled serenely.  
  
"Or maybe nature is just trying to get their genes out of her pool," Duo added.  
  
"Mr. Maxwell, Miss Catalonia," the teacher interjected. She enjoyed spirited discussions but this one was pushing the limits of reality. "I appreciate your enthusiasm, but really. Running after a gundam? That would be like telling someone to kill you. Completely idiotic. No one is THAT stupid." Relena made a small noise.  
  
"I can just picture it though," Duo said. He got to his feet with a sweeping gesture. "A young teenage girl- no offense ladies- running towards a mighty mobile suit battle, her blond hair streaming out behind her- because let's face it, she'd have to be blonde- no offense Quatre, Dorothy..."  
  
"None taken," said Quatre looking up from his notebook, "I'm not a girl."  
  
"I'm not really blonde," Dorothy added with a flip of her hair and a lift of her dark eyebrows.  
  
"She runs towards the battle," Duo gestured dramatically, "calling up at the gundam to stop, to put down his BIG weapon... to... I don't know... something romantic and silly." He put both hands to his chest melodramatically and fluttered his eyelids. "And the gundam smashes her flat." He stomped his right foot on the floor and then lifted it up, pretending to be disgusted with what he found on the bottom of it. Some of the other students clapped and he bowed before sitting down again.  
  
Dorothy broke into laughter. "Oh no, or the gundam pilot stops fighting so he doesn't squish her."  
  
"That would be stupid on his part," interjected the teacher. "You shouldn't stop fighting in the middle of a battle- now that's a good example of your theory, Mr. Maxwell." Heero put his head in his hands.  
  
Quatre tilted his notebook up to show Wufei the picture he had drawn. Wufei coughed to hide his snicker. Trowa was shaking with suppressed laughter.  
  
"Mr. Winner," the teacher had noticed his distraction, as the rest of the class had been listening to Duo and Dorothy intently. "Do I need to have you share your note with the rest of the class?"  
  
"Oh, it's not a note," Quatre got to his feet and walked to the front of the classroom. "May I?" He flipped on the projector and put his paper on top of it.  
  
A little stick figure in a skirt was hugging a big mechanical looking leg. There were tons of little hearts around her. A speech bubble was above her head, which read. 'Oh I wuv you!! I wuv you so much, Mr. Gundam! Please kill me because I'm too stupid to live!'  
  
"As you can see," Quatre said to the teacher, "I was merely drawing a representation of the discussion so that I could remember it clearly." The teacher, not without a sense of humor, chuckled.  
  
"Point taken, Mr. Winner. You may sit." She turned back to Duo. "Interesting as your definition is, Mr. Maxwell, I'm afraid the person that you are describing is just too idiotic to exist in reality." Relena slumped further down in her chair, her shoulders shaking. "Now, look, you've upset Miss Peacecraft with all this talk of battles."  
  
"Oh, I am sorry, Miss Peacecraft," Duo turned to the girl next to him, charm turned on full blast. "I do so hope I didn't upset you."  
  
"Oh indeed, Miss Relena," Dorothy chimed in. "I am so dreadfully sorry. Our instructor is correct. No one could possibly be THAT stupid."  
  
"Absolutely not," Duo agreed. "I was just trying for an extreme example."  
  
"Well, perhaps you can come up with a better example?" The teacher asked. Duo looked at Heero who had lifted his head and was glaring at him.  
  
"Well, what about someone that self-destructs their mobile suit while they're still inside it?" He suggested with a wicked smile. Heero threw his textbook at Duo. Duo ducked and the book hit the student behind him. Duo retaliated with his pencil, which hit Quatre instead of Heero. In no time at all, a free-for-all had erupted. In the middle of the subsequent phone calls to the nurse, detention handouts and threats to be sent to the principal's office, Dorothy took a moment to whisper to Duo:  
  
"Actually, Mr. Duo, I think taunting a gundam pilot falls into the dying of stupidity category." The Deathscythe pilot grinned at her.  
  
"Probably, but you have to admit it was a lot of fun." 


	2. Psychology

Disclaimer: We don't own Gwing. Warning: Relena bashing. Tons of it. We couldn't help it. Hints of 1x2, 3x4. What can we say- we had too much fun writing the first one. Yes, we had a professor like this one that LOVED to listen to the students talk about each other's problems. Not kidding.  
  
Psych Class- Natural Selection 2  
  
The psychology teacher was surprised to see a group of students coming in late. "Why are all of you so tardy?"  
  
"Well, our discussion in our last class got a little . . . out of hand," Mr. Barton explained in a soft voice.  
  
"Very well, have a seat." The teacher watched as they sat down and got their notebooks out. He was surprised to see that they all, even the usually fastidious Miss Peacecraft, looked a bit rumpled. Almost like they had been in a fight.  
  
"Well, now that everyone's here," the teacher continued with a halfhearted glare, "let's continue our discussion of personality disorders. Can anyone give me an example?"  
  
Duo's hand shot up in the air. Heero made an odd throat-clearing noise. Duo glanced to his left. Under the edge of Heero's desk, he could see the barrel of a gun. He looked up into Heero's eyes which were clearly stating 'don't you even THINK about volunteering you braided idiot' and lowered his hand with a pout.  
  
"See if you get any tonight," he mouthed at Heero.  
  
"Miss Catalonia?" Heero's eyes widened and he glanced behind him at Duo's partner in crime. Crap, he had forgotten about her!  
  
"Yes, I can give you an example of an obsessive personality."  
  
"That would be splendid!" the teacher said, rubbing his hands together in anticipation. "Is it a real-life example?"  
  
"Oh, of course. I'm thinking of a young man of my acquaintance who hates women." Dorothy shot a knowing glance at Wufei.  
  
The teacher frowned, "That doesn't necessarily mean he's obsessive, he might just have some kind of deep-seated fear of his mother."  
  
Wufei turned sideways his seat and glared at Dorothy.  
  
"Oh no," Dorothy frowned seriously. "The young man is totally obsessed about women! If he hates something it's 'womanish'. If someone is weak, they are 'weak like a woman.'"  
  
Wufei's glare was hot enough to melt Gundainium. Dorothy's response was to merely smile sweetly at Wufei. The professor leaned over his podium, his gaze rapt with interest.  
  
"I would say the young man has some serious gender issues! You mentioned 'weak', is he frightened of being thought of as weak?"  
  
"Oh yes, all the time!" Dorothy said cheerfully as Wufei glowered.  
  
"Hmm." the professor reined his enthusiasm back in. "A very good example, Miss Catalonia. Please consider getting your friend some professional help- or a date. It may be that he hasn't had much success with women and is displacing his frustration."  
  
"Thank you professor. I will." Dorothy simpered back. Duo chuckled and Heero smirked, but Wufei looked ready to explode.  
  
Relena raised her hand. "Yes, Miss Peacecraft?"  
  
"Would an example of a personality disorder be someone who was so obsessed with their father that they are dating someone who looks just like him?" She asked sweetly raising an eyebrow at Quatre.  
  
"Well, yes. It's called a Jocasta complex." Quatre snarled at her behind his hand. "Do you know someone like this?"  
  
"Oh yes. This boy is dating a young man that looks EXACTLY like his father. It's really kind of creepy."  
  
"Ooh, yes. That does sound like he has a problem. Again, I'd make sure he gets some help." The teacher turned to another student with their hand up. Relena looked at a red Quatre and muttered:  
  
"That will teach you to draw silly pictures!" Abruptly the red in Quatre's face vanished. His eyebrows drew together and the look he gave Relena was enough to make her draw back a bit in her chair.  
  
"So, you want to play games with me Miss Peacecraft?" He growled softly and put his hand in the air.  
  
"Mr. Winner?" The teacher acknowledged his hand.  
  
"Yes, I was wondering what you would call a person who stalks a boy who has no interest in her. Is that a personality problem?"  
  
"Depends on the 'stalking'," the teacher chuckled. "Just following him around at school isn't stalking."  
  
"Oh no. She's opened his private letters. He's transferred schools and she's followed him each time. She's also assembled teams of other female students to keep an eye on him. She's even asked him to kill her."  
  
The teacher leaned on his podium again, freakily fascinated. "Really Mr. Winner? Does your friend try to discourage this behavior? Or does he encourage it?"  
  
"He doesn't encourage it at all. He's tried many times to get away from her." Quatre smiled angelically. "Even odder, she knows that he's... well, let's just say he has no interest in girls and yet she still pursues him."  
  
"Fascinating. There are several types of problems that this girl might have... let's see... students? What do you think?"  
  
Relena was bright red and shooting furious looks at Quatre. Duo had his hands over his mouth, stifling his chuckles. Wufei was leaning back in his seat, still glaring at Dorothy, who was leaning forward on her desk listening to Quatre intently. She was amused that Relena had been so stupid as to choose Quatre as her target for a counterattack.  
  
Heero was grinning.  
  
Duo's hand shot up. "Well most obviously, she's got a death wish. I mean she wants him to kill her."  
  
"Yes. Which hints at some deep seated depression." The teacher agreed.  
  
"Or necrophilia," Duo added. Relena turned and glared at him. He blew her a kiss.  
  
"Oh no Mr. Duo," Dorothy scolded lightly, "Necrophilia implies she wants to have sex with a dead person. She is the one who wants to be killed, remember."  
  
"Erotic asphyxiation then?" Duo offered helpfully.  
  
"Yes, I think that is more like it," Dorothy nodded.  
  
Relena's face turned a pale shade of blue, almost as if she had forgotten how to breathe.  
  
Trowa stepped in, "Obsessive behavior."  
  
"Very much so." The teacher nodded approvingly.  
  
Wufei's hand went up. "She has deep rooted sexual issues," he said flatly, making all of his allies/friends/adversaries look at him in surprise. "This girl is scared of sex so she is chasing someone 'safe'."  
  
Duo choked with laughter. Dorothy silently applauded and Relena hid her face behind her textbook.  
  
"Very good Mr. Chang. Perhaps she had some kind of trauma in her past, perhaps she simply fears men, or like Miss Peacecraft's friend she has issues with her father." Quatre grinned.  
  
Dorothy raised her hand. "Feelings of inadequacy?"  
  
"Yes Miss Catalonia. Very good. Obviously this girl is lacking basic self-esteem."  
  
Heero met Duo's eyes for a moment before raising his hand. "Sheer stupidity."  
  
"That's not really a personality problem Mr. Yuy, but it is possible that she might be mentally deficient." The teacher conceded. "Or perhaps she is too clueless to realize that he's not interested."  
  
"Amen to that brother!" Duo rhapsodized.  
  
The top of Relena's head was just barely visible at desk level, as she slowly sank down in her seat.  
  
The professor tapped the book in front of him to regain the class's attention.  
  
"Whatever her problem is Mr. Winner, you must see that this poor girl gets some professional help and soon."  
  
"Oh, it will be my pleasure sir." The teacher turned to another student and Quatre managed to catch Relena's eye from beneath the desk. "Even if I have to tie her up and drag her to it." 


	3. Literature Class

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing is not mine. WARNINGS: Relena Bashing. Severe Relena bashing. I really wasn't going to do another chapter of this, but the poem that Heero recites just kind of came to me, and I had to find a way to use it. Many apologies to Edgar Allen Poe, Dr. Seuss, Christopher Marlowe, Mike Myers, and anyone who has ever written a haiku.  
  
Quatre and Trowa walked to the next class, heads close together as they watched Relena. She was sweeping along in front of them, her 'fan club' clustered around her. Dorothy was walking with Wufei, talking in a low tone and to the surprise of Duo and Heero, who were trailing along behind, he was actually listening to her.  
  
They managed to get to their next class right before the bell rang. This time though, Relena didn't sit near the others. She had put her nose in the air and sat far away from them, surrounded herself with her fan club. She was a bit put out that Dorothy had obviously gone over to the enemy as she was sitting next to Wufei and behind Duo and Heero. Quatre was also next to Dorothy and Trowa sat in front of him, next to Heero. They were all chatting together happily. Relena wished that they would at least look in her direction so they could see that she was ignoring them.  
  
"Today class we are going to focus on poetry." The English teacher smiled pleasantly as she spoke. "We've spent some time reading it these last weeks, but today we are going to write some. You may use one of the standard forms for an original poem or parody a famous poem, whatever you like. After you have finished your poem I'll be asking you to share it with the class."  
  
"What's our topic?" One of Relena's fan club asked.  
  
"Anything you like, Miss Jones. Your choice. You may begin."  
  
The students all obediently got out their notebooks and started writing. The teacher noticed that Mr. Maxwell seemed to be trying to hide his giggles and wondered what he was writing. Well, he would definitely be one of the ones she'd call on. She had never forgotten that time a few weeks ago when he had shared that exciting science-fiction short story he had written with the class. Mr. Yuy had gotten quite upset about it for some reason, but the teacher had enjoyed it.  
  
Relena stared dreamily in Heero's direction for a moment before she started to write. She'd show him that she had more to offer than that longhaired freak! She did not have sexual issues no matter what that idiot Chang said! She'd show the both of them!  
  
Wufei would've had a nosebleed if he could've seen what she was thinking at that moment.  
  
Heero would've self-destructed.  
  
After 20 or so minutes had passed, the teacher asked the students to put down their pencils and began calling on them.  
  
Relena volunteered eagerly. Her fan club giggled and clapped. She stood up and tossed her blondish hair over her shoulder. Casting several significant looks at Heero as she read:  
  
Come live with me and be my love  
And I will all the pleasures prove  
Forget that braided little fool  
And I will you in pleasure school  
  
Duo looked murderous. Heero looked sick. Relena finished with a smile at the teacher and sat down. Her fan club applauded. Quatre leaned over and whispered to Duo: "Don't worry, Duo. We'll get her."  
  
"Hm, good job Miss Peacecraft, if not very original." The teacher commented carefully. You had to be so careful these days. Suggest that student might be mentally unbalanced or immoral and you could lose your job. "Who's next?" To her surprise, Mr. Yuy's hand shot into the air. "Mr. Yuy? You'd like to read?" He never had before...  
  
Relena looked expectant. Heero stood up to read his poem in a flat monotone.  
  
I hate the pink girl  
She will not leave me alone  
I will kill her soon.  
  
"Nice haiku, Mr. Yuy." The teacher again commented carefully. No lawsuits for her, no way. Duo was waving his hand back and forth vigorously. "Mr. Maxwell?"  
  
Duo bounced to his feet. In a cheerful singsong tone, he recited:  
  
Stalker Ma'am by Duo Maxwell  
  
Would I kill her on a train?  
Shove an icepick through her brain?  
Stash the body over there?  
I could kill her anywhere!  
  
I do not like that stalker ma'am  
I do not like her, Duo I am  
  
Will I stuff her in a box?  
Lock it up with big padlocks?  
I would stuff her in a box!  
I'd lock it up with big padlocks!  
Stash the body over there!  
I could kill her anywhere!  
  
I do not like that stalker ma'am  
I do not like her, Duo I am  
  
Duo bowed as his fellow pilots and Dorothy applauded.  
  
"Nice Seussic poem, Mr. Maxwell. Good job." The teacher didn't add that it seemed a bit psycho, she told herself to be pleased that at the very least the students seemed to be so enthusiastic. So many were volunteering that had never so much as spoken in class before! For instance- "Mr. Barton?"  
  
Trowa stood up and produced a candle. He lit it and recited his poem to the snapping of his fingers.  
  
Wo-man. Woah-man Wooooaaahhhman!  
You dirty fink  
All dressed in pink  
You stalk my friend.  
When will it end?  
Will we have to hurt you or what?  
  
He blew out the flame with a meaningful look towards Relena. She was looking a bit pale as the meanings of all the poems had finally started to sift through her head. Dorothy and Duo did a silent cheer.  
  
"Nice beat poem, Mr. Barton." The teacher nodded approval. "Mr. Winner?" Quatre got to his feet and shot Relena an evil grin.  
  
Once upon a day quite cheery  
While I toiled happy but weary  
Over my Sandrock's systems and more  
While I worked so neatly tapping  
Suddenly there came a rapping  
Rapping on my neighbor's door.  
  
Tis some enemy I thought  
Rapping at my neighbor's door  
Only this and nothing more  
  
Presently my anger grew stronger  
Hesitating I no longer  
"Ozzie" said I or "Alliance" your  
forgiveness I implore  
But now I must shoot you by my neighbor's  
door.  
And here I threw wide my chamber door  
A pink menace there and nothing more  
  
Then methought the air grew denser,  
And my body it grew tenser  
As she made her way across the floor  
"Bitch" cried I "Who has told thee  
Where we hid behind this door?"  
Quoth the menace 'Heero- implore!'  
  
So I shot her dead upon the floor.  
  
Quatre ended abruptly and sat down. Trowa gave him a thumbs up and Dorothy and Duo did their silent cheer again.  
  
"Very Poesque Mr. Winner. Nice job."  
  
The teacher was really beginning to worry about the mental health of these kids, but since they weren't threatening her, it was okay, she supposed. She checked the clock with a sigh of relief.  
  
"That's all for today students. Tomorrow we'll write some more poetry." She missed the glares that shot across the room.  
  
Relena was fuming. How dared they! This meant war!  
  
The pilots read her look accurately. Duo grinned. Now the fun was really going to start! 


	4. Lunch

Disclaimer: Gundam wing is not mine.

This is what happens when you stick two GW writers in a car for 8 hours with nothing to do other than come up with fic ideas.That's right. Be afraid.Thanks for the reviews!! Think of this as a short lunch break... before Drama class.

"I can't BELIEVE that girl," Heero growled under his breath. Relena had chosen to sit at the table directly in front of him and was proceeding to cast longing and scarily sultry looks in his direction. Or did, until Duo sat down in front of him, Quatre and Dorothy on either side. Their backs formed enough of a wall that even if she switched places with one of her fan club, Relena couldn't catch his eye.

"She is freakily obsessed with you," noted Wufei from his place on Heero's right.

"She is a freak," muttered Duo. He hunched his shoulders. "I wasn't kidding about the ice pick."

"Well, this just continues to prove your theory, Mr. Duo," Dorothy pointed out. "She is going to die if she keeps acting this dumb."

"And soon," Quatre added. He grinned at Trowa, who was sitting across from him on Heero's left side. "At least we didn't have to put up with her in PE."

"I did," Dorothy grimaced. "She kept telling me that if I was so smart that I needed to be helping her find a way to get..." she paused and looked at Duo apologetically, "the long haired pervert away from her prince."

Duo growled and Heero put his face in his hands. "I'm NOT her prince!" He looked up again to catch Duo's expression change from anger to mischief in a heartbeat.

"OH NO!" Duo jumped to his feet, his shout loud enough to make the entire student body look his way. "HEERO'S CHOKING!" He sprang over the table, his fellow pilots quickly moving their trays to safety, hauled Heero to his feet, and then laid the startled dark haired pilot down flat on the now-cleared table. "THANK GOD I KNOW MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!" He then gave Heero a very long, very deep kiss.

Quatre covered his mouth with his hands to hide his grin. Trowa didn't bother to hide his. Dorothy and Wufei raised their eyebrows at each other.

Duo came up for air a minute later. "HEERO! SPEAK TO ME! ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?" Heero didn't have time to reply before Duo put a hand up to his forehead. "HE STILL CAN'T SPEAK!" He bent down and kissed his lover again.

Relena had stood up from her chair, and her face was set in a concerned expression. Her fan club was whispering excitedly among themselves.

Duo lifted up again, minutes later, panting for breath. "How ya doin now Heero?" He grinned.

"I'm fine," Heero muttered to him, getting to his feet. "But now we need to go find an empty janitor's closet. Fast." Before Duo could respond, Heero slid his foot out, neatly making the longhaired pilot stumble. "OH NO!" Wing's pilot raised his voice. "I'M AFRAID DUO USED TOO MUCH AIR TO HELP ME!" He neatly swung the longhaired pilot over his shoulder. "I'LL TAKE HIM TO THE NURSE." Heero headed quickly out of the cafeteria, Duo still on his shoulder.

"Wow," said Dorothy with a grin. "And here I thought Drama didn't start for another 30 minutes." She glanced back at Relena, still looking concerned, as the rest of the school went back to their lunch. She shook her head. How could Relena be so dense?

"30 minutes until class, hmm?" Quatre sat back down at the table, tray back in place. "I have an idea. You guys remember our assignment right?"

"Right," Trowa nodded.

"I think I need to do a rewrite," Quatre reached into his backpack and pulled out his notepad. "You guys feeling like helping?"

"Gladly," Dorothy agreed, nudging her tray to the side.

"Of course," Wufei consented.

Trowa nodded again as Quatre flipped pages.

"Great! Let's get to work." Quatre got an evil grin on his angelic face. "Trowa, call Rashid. We're going to need some props for this one!"


End file.
